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Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
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3:52 pm - Workin' workin' workin'
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I'm learning the fine art of Movable Type. However, It's still looking like a caveman did it.
GO CHECK IT OUT.
current mood:  creative
current music: "German Dance #1 In D Major" by Mozart
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
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2:53 pm - *sigh*
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I miss Roxanne.
current mood:  melancholy
current music: none
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1:55 pm - What a morning...(LONG)
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My brain seems to be on vacation this past week.
As I'm trying to get everything ready for the launch of the new format of my website, I seem to have just leaked all of my knowledge of webdesign and setup. This scares me.
During my freshman year of high school, I found out that I have 2 learning disabilities. I'm dyslexic, but I think I have that pretty much under control. Every so often, it'll show in my stellar spelling, but it's not life-altering. Unlike my other disability. I have a little-known LD called Memory Recall. I don't know exactly how it works, but my brain isn't properly connected in some ways. I have trouble recalling non-vital information, probably because it wasn't registered as important. For example, I could study for a test for weeks. Then, when it's time to take the test, my mind goes blank, and I cannot recall a thing I've studied. I barly passed high school, but I have an IQ of 135. It doesn't mean I'm stupid, but it makes me feel so foolish when I can't recall how to do the most simple of tasks. There is no 'cure' for MR. The only thing that helps is repetition.
Anyway, I thought I was over my MR, until Nancy had me get things ready for her hosting services. It has taken me over a week to simply set up an email account. I should know how to do this shit, because I enjoy it immensly. However, my MR must've kicked in. I feel foolish, fustrated, totally embarrassed and I know I'm probably driving poor Nancy out of her skin. I look like an idiot, and it en-fucking-rages me.
So Nancy, if you're reading this, I'm really sorry I've been such a flake. Trust me, you're not the only one who's fustrated.
This next part is long. You have been warned.
This morning on the train, I had a blast from the past, and it was nice, albiet sad. I ran into Brian, whom I met at a party a few years back. Brian is a wonderful guy, and he is blind. This party we met at was with a group of friends that included my dearly departed Roxanne. Brian and I have only met twice, at this pool party, and at Roxy's funeral. A lot of the conversation revolved around Roxy, and how much we both missed her. Roxy died from complications brought on by cancer. Her funeral was held on what would have been her 25th birthday.
As we're talking about folks we knew from back then, the subject came around to Jennifer, and angry feelings that I thought I've forgiven and buried came boiling up to the surface again.
Jennifer was my best friend for years. Well, she was my best friend anyway. She claimed that I was her best friend. I had moved to North Carolina in 1999, and I had little intention of moving back. I was going through a bad time, and it seemed that all of my friends, Jen included, disappeared from the face of the earth. So I moved in with my parents, and started my life over with a clean slate. After awhile, Jen started calling me just to chat, then telling me that she missed me, then she was pretty much begging me to come back. Later, she informed me about a tumor that was discovered on the base of Roxy's skull. When I found out that Roxy was sick, I started to make tenative plans to move back. Besides, I missed Jen, too. (It's pretty amazing what you're willing to forget just to have the friendship of a manipulative person; one who would NEVER manipulate YOU </sarcasm>). So spring of 2000, I moved back. I lived with Jen, and I got a job in Downtown Chicago, and all was well (so I though.)
Jen kept an online journal. I thought journals were private, so I never bothered to read it. A few months go by, and one day, totally out of the blue, Jen said, "Oh, BTW, don't worry about what my journal says." That was it. So, because Jen spoke in double meanings all of the time, I took it as a demand to read her journal. What I read was nothing short of slander. Just about EVERYTHING that she had ever told me was told differently in her journal. Pretty much, she was lying to my face every time she spoke to me.
Jen was telling me about how hard it was to get started at a new job and get all of your finances settled, so she would lend me money for gas. In the journal, she said that I was totally leeching off of her, and that I was like "a child that would never grow up." She complained in her journal that I spent way too much money on a bed that I "had to have" when in reality I had purchased the cheapest ($99) bed that I could find. Before I got the bed, she said that I could use the cushion off of an old couch to sleep on because I had no bed. In the journal, she said that I was "destroying an antique sofa". I mentioned that on Father's Day, which was also my Father's birthday that year, that "I miss my Daddy". She went into a RAGE in her journal, saying I "had no respect for her feelings" because she had a terrible relationship with her father. (I guess I was supposed to feel guilty because I had a wonderful relationship with my parents.) It went on and on.
So, feeling totally betrayed by the one person I trusted more than any other non-relative, I smartened up. I was cooly casual to her, and I pretty much shut out all of my feelings to her. I can understand letting off steam in a journal, but LYING TO MY FACE was unacceptable. Then, one day in August, it ended.
We were supposed to meet at a listening party at the Rainforest Cafe in Schaumberg for the new Sister Soleil release. As stupid of an excuse it may sound, I got stuck in traffic. Anyone whom has ever driven down I80-94 between Indiana and Illinois knows of the evil there during construction. I left our apartment at 1 to get to the 3 pm party. At 3 pm, I had just crossed the state line (a grand total of 21 miles.) I got to Schaumberg at 5pm, when the party was over. I was seeing a guy named Darren who lived in Schaumberg at the time. I get to Darren's to pick him up, and he met me in the parking lot of his apartments. He said that he went to the Rainforest Cafe looking for the party but didn't find it (he didn't know anyone there, so he wasn't sure who he was looking for anyway.) I called Colleen's (the party hostess) cell phone and left a message on her voice mail. I called Jen's cell phone and got a fast busy signal (no voice mail or anything.) So I ended up staying the weekend at Darren's like I usually did.
That Monday, Jen wouldn't talk to me at all on the way to Chicago. The only time that she made any sort of comment in my direction during the whole commute to work (we commuted with her then-boyfriend, Joe) was when the newsradio made the announcement that Sir Alec Guiness had died. "OH, my GOD! He's DEAD? WOW!" She only did that to piss me, the uber Star Wars geek, off. It was working, but I kept in mind where the comments were comming from, so I was like "whatever". When we got to the parking garage, she got out and started walking away in the "I'm not talking to you" stick-up-the-ass fast walk. I asked Joe, "What's her problem?" He said (in a REALLY patronizing way), "She's upset because SOMEBODY ditched her this weekend to hang out with their boyfriend." WTF? I was livid, and I screamed in her direction, "Well, if she was a REAL friend, she would have asked me what happened instead of assuming shit!" She kept walking away. And I did something I never did before: I LET HER KEEP WALKING. I didn't chase her down, claiming all responsibility that everything was my fault and could I please receive her holy forgiveness. I let her walk. I think that the following 2 weeks, we spoke 2 sentences to each other. While I was away that weekend, she moved all of her shit out of my apartment.
After Jennifer left, life suddenly became LESS COMPLICATED. I got a new job (the same one I have now), moved in with the Velasquezes (more fun than living with the beetle infestation at my old apartment), met Christopher, and became a happier person. I didn't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I could take what people said to me at face value. There was no more Jen interfering with my relationships. I no longer lived just to please a thankless bitch. Life was, and still is good.
To this day, Jennifer says that I screwed HER over. Gosh, I hope that's true. I'm still totally slandered in her journals, and I did manage to print most of it up (for future legal reasons if I feel like a vindictive bitch) before she put a password protection on it (hmmm, I wonder who she was trying to keep out?) I actually ran into her latest version of her diary totally by accident, but I just don't bother with reading it. Why should I? Every time I think of her, I get angry, but it gets less and less all of the time. I'm at the "who cares?" point now. I've forgiven her for all of the shit she pulled, but it doesn't mean I don't get angry about it. The worst part of it all was the Roxy situation.
When Roxy was sick, I wanted to visit her in the hospital. However, Jen was there all of the time. At that time, I was still ready to rip Jen's throat out if I saw her, so I made it a point to not upset Roxy with my behavior. I called Roxy multiple times, but I hardly ever spoke to her because of bad timing (chemo, sickness, testing, ect.) She called me on my birthday in 2001 just to wish me a happy birthday and catch up on stuff. We chatted for about 15 minutes. Before we said goodbye, I told her that I loved her. She said, "I love you too!" That was the last time I ever heard her voice.
In hindsight, I wish I would've taken some Valium and just went to visit her, Jen or no Jen. Today, talking with Brian brought everything that you've just read above into sharp focus. According to Brian, that group kind of fell apart when Roxy died. A lot of them started drinking heavily, including Jen, Roxy's widower Randy (whom later married Jen, why, I'll never know), Angel (Roxy's best friend) and others that I can barely remember. I have a great fear in my heart for Roxy & Randy's little girl, Magdeline, now legally Jen's daughter. I'm sure that Jen is going to force Mags to live out her failed dreams, and instill all of her own insecurities into that poor child. I'm sure she'll teach her a thing or two about manipulation, or as Jen likes to call it, semantics.
God, I hope I'm wrong.
At Roxy's funeral, Jen and I were totally civil to each other. We even traded work phone numbers. Neither of us ever used them. The week before my wedding, I got an email from her. She worded it like she was asking, but after reading between the lines like I always had to do with her, she actually never ASKED. She wanted to come to my wedding ceremony! NO FUCKING WAY. I ignored it. She didn't show up. And that was the last I've ever heard from her. The End.
I walked Brian to his building, which was only a block away from my building. I didn't realize that while we were talking about Roxy, I was crying. I just thought it was the misty rain that had greeted us when we got to Chicago. After I said goodbye to him, I felt so lonely. It hasn't really hit me very hard about how much I miss Roxy. We were the 4 Horsewomen: Me, Jen, Roxy, and Janel (who got married and moved to Michigan around 5 years ago.) Our group slowly disbanded, but we all still cared about each other. Roxy married Randy and had Mags, Janel married her Christopher whom she met in college, and Jen and I remained. I still loved Roxy as a sister, even when we grew farther and farther apart.
I miss her.
current mood: sad
current music: "Finale from Firebird" by Stravinski
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| Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
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10:43 pm - I am Pink (no, not the singer)
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 You are pink. You are in limbo. Not pure and manipulated like white, not impure and noble like red. You are unsure of your real identity, but whatever you chose it to be, you can be it. That is your power. You change everyone you touch, and everyone remembers you. In literature, pink represents the place between heaven and hell. You are the one we will never forget. What inner color are you? [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font [...] shirono</font>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <A HREF= "http://quizilla.com/users/Shirono/quizzes/The%20inner%20color%20quiz%20(Utena%20Images)" > <IMG SRC="http://homepage.mac.com/werkers/colorquiz/youarepink.jpg"> <P>You are pink. You are in limbo. Not pure and manipulated like white, not impure and noble like red. You are unsure of your real identity, but whatever you chose it to be, you can be it. That is your power. You change everyone you touch, and everyone remembers you. In literature, pink represents the place between heaven and hell. You are the one we will never forget.</P> <P>What inner color are you? </P></A> <P><FONT SIZE= "-1"Quiz by Shirono</FONT> </P>
current mood:  sleepy
current music: The Weather Channel is on in the background
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1:15 pm - Momma's Little Baby
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Here's my widdle Boo Bear!
current mood:  loved
current music: "Who Do You Love" by George Thorogood
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| Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
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4:48 pm - Joke of the day
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
Yea! Time to go home! G'night 'til the morning...
current mood:  bouncy
current music: "Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) by Pink Floyd
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3:57 pm - Gotta love the classic quizzes
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3:27 pm - Time to be a bratty little sister
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It is currently 79° here in the Chicago metro area.
It is currently 68° in Brooksville, Florida.
Hey, Kris! NYAH NYAH!
current mood:  mischievous
current music: "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who
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3:16 pm - A new perspective...
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I AM THANKFUL
FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.
FOR THE TAXES
THAT I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
I AM EMPLOYED.
FOR THE MESS
TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.
FOR THE CLOTHES
THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.
FOR MY SHADOW
THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
FOR A BATHROOM THAT NEEDS SCRUBBING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND CARPETS THAT NEED TO BE VACUUMED
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND THAT I HAVE BEEN
BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY
BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
THAT SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
THAT I CAN HEAR.
FOR THE PILE
OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.
FOR WEARINESS
AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.
FOR THE ALARM
THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE.
current mood: thankful
current music: "Killer Queen" by Queen
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| Saturday, March 29th, 2003
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8:10 pm - My Mom sent me this email...
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Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls........... I'd say you must be French".
current mood: silly
current music: "Rock! Rock! ('Til You Drop)" by Def Leppard
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| Friday, March 28th, 2003
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2:50 pm - ARRG
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No thanks to FARK, I've become totally addicted to this frikkin' game.
There really isn't too much going on today. There were supposed to be some thunderstorms, but all we've gotten so far is cold drizzle.
*sigh* And tonight is the Def Leppard concert. I haven't seen them in 10 years. Oh, well.
current mood:  indifferent
current music: "Sadness" by Enigma
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10:20 am - Workout update
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Thursday, March 28: Walked for 20 minutes at 2.5 mph.
Paltry, yes, I know. But it's a start.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: "Adagio from Symphony No. 2" by Rachmaninoff
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| Thursday, March 27th, 2003
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4:37 pm - Yea!
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My swimsuit just arrived! And it's time to go home! Gotta do my treadmill tonigh.
current mood: happy
current music: "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" by Van Halen
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3:24 pm - COOL!!!
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3:10 pm - 3:04 and all seems well...for now.
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Most of the nasty weather has died down a bit for Kris. Thank God. She is still under a Severe Thunderstorm Watch, but the tempature has dropped significantly hampering any kicking storm formation. Heck, she's only 5 degrees warmer than I am right now in Chicago. Nyah nyah!
*breaths sigh of relief*
current mood: relieved
current music: Rush in on WLUP.com livestream. I hate Rush. *mute*
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2:42 pm - Momentarily Freaking. Please stand by...
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When I get back to college, I'm going to major in Meteorology and Atmospheric Sciences. I have this thing with tornadoes. I am totally facinated by them; probably because they scare the shit out of me. I stood up and cheered when I saw the trailer for "Twister" in the theater. Just for some reason, I am drawn to violent weather. Maybe I'm just a Weather Channel junkie. What I do know, is that ever since I was about 7, I've dreamed about tornadoes. I've have a tornado dream about once every 6 months for decades. Usually, in the dream, I'm standing on a porch or street, and I'm looking east. The tornadoes (there are usually 3 in a line) touch down about 10 miles and are moving away, but I can see them. I have no idea what this dream means. The one time the storm was different in a dream, I was looking out of the guest bedroom window in our old house in Lynwood. The tornado came down by the church, and I turned, grabbed the cat, and ran for the basement. I had that dream in January of 1997. On May 18, a tornado hit Lynwood, and had I been looking out that bedroom window, I would have seen exactly what I saw in my dream. We had sold the house by that time, so it would've never happened to me, but that doesn't stop the freaky feelings when I think about it.
With tornado season officially in swing, I have multiple weather stations active on my computer. I'm keeping tabs on my sister Kris, who lives in Brooksville, Florida with her horses. My desktop has been going crazy all day with thunderstorm and tornado warnings. So far, she's only been hit with thunderstorms.
However, one of our Portfolio Managers, Scott, is visiting Naples with his wife and their 5-year-old daughter and 3 1/2-yeard old twin girls. They are currently under a tornado warning.
2:20 pm- Pasco County, just south of Hernando County (where Kris lives) has just been issued a tornado warning. This is also near Robyn. Grr!
current mood:  scared
current music: "For You" by Manfred Mann
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12:13 pm - Time to get started...
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It is on it's way. I was lucky enough to get it in a size 13/14, but I will have mucho work in front of me to get there.
In case you don't personally know me (or if you didn't wait around long enought to see the wedding photos load, not that I blame you and I am working on it) then let me state the obvious: I'm fat. I am am 90 pounds over my "ideal" weight. My current measurements are:
Left Bicep = 15.5 inches
Right Bicep = 15 inches
Left Thigh = 29.5 inches
Right Thigh = 29 inches
Left Calf = 18.5 inches
Right Calf = 18.5 inches
Bust = 40 D
Waist = 38
Hips = 53.5
Weight = 223 pounds
Why am I making this public? Because I need motivation to lose fat. I figure, if I keep my records online, where anyone from ex-boyfriends to former bosses to total strangers can see them, I'll be motivated to exercise. People who keep tabs on this blog will be able to say "Did you do your treadmill today?" and keep me in line. I want to be able to keep at it this time. I, like many others, have tried everything to lose weight. I have done the fad diets, starvation, even went borderline bulemic during the days when I was carrying ipacap syrup in my purse. Needless to say, it didn't work. I am now biting the bullet with my Christmas present (my treadmill) and I am determined to lose fat.
Notice how I said lose "fat" and not weight. Honestly, I don't care how much I weigh as long as I don't have to deal with this flab. Since 1 pound of muscle is leaner than 1 pound of fat, it will look different on my body. Besides, muscle sticks to your bones, while fat sticks to your skin. I'd rather have my arms the size they are now in muscle, than looking like I have wingspan with this fat.
I have been doing the treadmill sporadically since I've gotten it. I can get up to 3 mph for about 6 minutes. At 2 mph, I can get a good 40 minute walk (provided I have something interesting on the TV to watch. CNN doesn't count.)
The only thing I am doing diet-wise is cutting sodas out of my diet. I drink tea, fruit juices, milk and water. Since I rarely drink alcohol, I won't have to worry about that aspect. Goodies will be limited, but not eliminated. I *never* refuse Godiva Chocolates (obviously!)
So I ask from you, the person who has no idea how they managed to stumble to such a vapid little blog, to please keep tabs on me. Make sure I do my treadmill for the day. Help the big chick lose the fat. Not only am I ashamed about the way I've let my body go, but my family has a nasty history with Diabetes. One of my greatest phobias is hypodermic needles, so Diabetes probably wouldn't be very good on my psyche. Please help me out. I will keep my progress here on NIHAO so you can see if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, or if I should be publically flogged. Okay, maybe that is extreme, but I don't want to slip this time. I want to do this right, and I want to be an example that it can be done.
To any Trolls who want to poke fun at the fat chick: I've already heard it all before. Since you have no life yourself, go home and think up some new insults. I'm sure you'll be proud of yourself, since no one else will.
Okay. Here goes....
Wednesday, March 26th:
I did 8 minutes on 3mph before dinner (Mexican Chicken with rice, tea to drink.)
Did 4 of the "Daily Dozen" from "Basic Yoga for Dummies" DVD.
current mood:  determined
current music: "No One Like You" by The Scorpions
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| Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
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12:25 pm - The war has just hit a hometown of mine.
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Hobart, Indiana lost Greg Sanders on Monday. He was the soldier shot by a sniper while riding a tank. Spc. Sanders was with the 3rd Battalion, 69th Armor, U.S. Army. He was 19. He leaves behind his wife Ruthann, and a 14-month-old Daughter, Gwendolyn.
There will be no more entries today in Nihao in honor of Greg.
God Bless You All.
current mood: sad
current music: *silence*
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| Tuesday, March 25th, 2003
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9:57 pm - Place yer bets...
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1:04 pm - Lotsa Stuff Goin' On
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Well, out apartment search proved to be fruitful! On Saturday, Chris and I went out apartment hunting. The first place we went to was pretty, but too cramped. We'd be paying more for less space. The second place was right accross the street, and managed by the same folks, so we passed. The third place was cheap, but a total dive. Plus, it was located right accross the street from an elementary school, meaning kids kids kids everywhere. The last place was IT. It's beautiful, quiet, and friggin' huge. 1050 sq. feet, central air & heat, large living room, dining room, kitchen with a walk-in pantry, garbage disposal, dishwasher and the same amount of counter space that I currently have. The bathroom has the cool newly furbished tub and shower fiberglass frame (no more ceramic tile and rotting grout) and it is twice the size of our current bathroom. The master bedroom has a huge walk-in closet. We can get a sattelite dish if we want (not allowed where we are right now) and the tennis court actually has a net! The carpet is very deep and plush; it reminds me of the carpet I used to have in my bedroom as a kid. The great part? It's only $45 more per month than what we have now, and there is no pet fee for Taboo! The ink is still drying on our security deposit check that Chris is turning in today. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy! We're leaving the ghetto!
Sunday was my Father-In-Law's 72nd birthday. We gave Rich a card and a $30 gift certificate to Amazon.com. (Now, he can share in our addiction to Amazon.com. I positivly adore that place. It has changed my mind on ordering stuff online. I used to be paranoid of buying stuff online, then we got a gift certificate ourselves. The rest is history!) We had cake & ice cream and grinders. If you've never had a grinder, I highly suggest one. They are subs on toasted bread, and they rock my world. Everyone had a great time. I love my In-Laws. I really got lucky when I married into such a great family.
We are officially moved into the 4th floor here at work. Our office is beautiful, however, the view sucks compared to what we had. But oh well, what's done is done, and bitchin' isn't going to get us back up on 56. There was a lot of "housework" involved in getting this place back up and running, but things seem to be going swimmingly at this time. We'll see what goes on as life continues...
current mood: chipper
current music: "Too Late For Love" by Def Leppard
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nihao's journal
